‘It is a di
fficult question, my friends, for any young man––that
question I had to grapple with, and which thousands are weighing at
the present moment in these uprising times––whether to follow
uncritically the track he
finds himself in, without considering his
aptness for it, or to consider what his aptness or bent may be, and re-
shape his course accordingly. I tried to do the latter, and I failed. But
I don’t admit that my failure proved my view to be a wrong one, or
that my success would have made it a right one; though that’s how
we appraise such attempts nowadays––I mean, not by their essential
soundness, but by their accidental outcomes. If I had ended by
becoming like one of these gentlemen in red and black that we saw
dropping in here by now, everybody would have said: “See how wise
that young man was, to follow the bent of his nature.” But having
ended no better than I began they say: “See what a fool that fellow
was in following a freak of his fancy!”
‘However it was my poverty and not my will that consented to be
beaten. It takes two or three generations to do what I tried to do in
one; and my impulses––a
ffections––vices perhaps they should be
called––were too strong not to hamper a man without advantages;
who should be as cold-blooded as a
fish and as selfish as a pig to have
a really good chance of being one of his country’s worthies. You may
ridicule me––I am quite willing that you should––I am a
fit subject,
no doubt. But I think if you knew what I have gone through these
last few years you would rather pity me. And if they knew’––he
nodded towards the college at which the Dons were severally
arriving––‘it is just possible they would do the same.’
‘He do look ill and worn-out, it is true!’ said a woman.
Sue’s face grew more emotional; but though she stood close to
Jude she was screened.
‘I may do some good before I am dead––be a sort of success as a
frightful example of what not to do; and so illustrate a moral story,’
continued Jude beginning to grow bitter, though he had opened
serenely enough. ‘I was, perhaps, after all, a paltry victim to the spirit
of mental and social restlessness, that makes so many unhappy in
these days!’
‘Don’t tell them that!’ whispered Sue with tears at perceiving
Jude’s state of mind. ‘You weren’t that. You struggled nobly to
acquire knowledge, and only the meanest souls in the world would
blame you!’
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